The toddler years—and the laughter and tantrums that come with them—are a complex and critical time in toddlers’ development. During this period, toddlers take huge strides in their social, emotional, and cognitive development, from separating from their primary attachment figures, to learning to regulate their emotions, to saying their first meaningful words. In this essay, I will explore the extent to which toddlers share. I will begin by examining the trajectory of toddler development as it aligns with the core aspects of sharing. Then I will determine why toddlers should not be expected to share, and why toddlers are moved to share later in the course of development.
Toddlers do not share with others because they are still developing their initial sense of self as one who is separate from others. Sharing involves this sense of other, which arises only with a toddler’s developing sense of self. There can be no other without self. Attachment relationships and temperament both play a role in a toddler’s emerging sense of self. Bowlby (1969/1982) proposes a theory of attachment in which the infant forms a hierarchy of attachment figures, with her mother—from whom she receives nourishment—as the primary attachment figure. According to Howes and Spieker (2008), attachment relationships develop in different contexts at different stages of development. Cognitively, these various relationships help a toddler develop an internal working model—a sequence of internal representations of herself based on her relationships, attachments, and history (Bowlby 1969/1982). A toddler’s internal working model leads her to form an expectation that her attachment figure will respond to her needs and keep her safe. Toddlers also internalize their attachment figures’ projections onto them and use these internalizations to separate from their caregivers. Kobak, Zajac, and Madsen (2018) maintain that a caregiver’s ability to respond consistently with the proper nurturance for a child will shape the child’s expectation of others and promote higher functioning throughout the child’s life. The child internalizes a sense that she is worthy and deserving of care, that people will take care of her and respond to her, and that she is not alone.
A toddler’s temperament also plays an important role in her developing sense of self as it relates to the primary attachment figure. When toddlers and caregivers have complementary temperaments, caregivers often feel more connected to their toddlers and project more positive images onto them. This secure relationship leads a toddler to develop a stronger sense of self in which she feels worthy of others’ care. When toddlers and caregivers have divergent temperaments, a caregiver may project a negative image onto the child. The child then will internalize this image, diminishing a child’s sense of self as one deserving of love and care. According to Ainsworth and Bell (1970), in a secure attachment relationship, a toddler will begin to exhibit exploratory behavior when she knows her attachment figure is close at hand in case of need. For the securely attached infant, her exploratory behavior, which leads her away from her primary attachment figure, marks the beginning of her separation. Through her internal representations, object permanence, and early symbolic capacity, she understands that her caregiver continues to exist even when they are not together. The toddler has now developed an understanding of herself as separate from others.
However, along with an understanding of self and other, toddlers must have the cognitive and emotional capacity to share. They must be able to imagine another’s mind as separate from one’s own, and to hold in mind another’s needs, again, as separate from one’s own. The acquisition of language emerges in toddlers and gives way to symbolic thought (Piaget, 1950). Fraiberg (1959) posits that children, with the emergence of language, develop the capacity to hold not the object itself but its symbol—a word—in their mind. This empowers toddlers, allowing them to take control over external circumstances and events. Furthermore, with symbolic capacity and language, toddlers learn to regulate emotions. One important role of caregivers is to help toddlers recognize, label, and regulate their emotions (Raikes & Thompson, 2006). According to Raikes and Thompson (2006), when caregivers communicate their emotions effectively, toddlers learn to identify their own emotions. In this way, toddlers use language to internalize the models of emotions laid out for them by their caregivers. Symbolic capacity and language allow toddlers to associate words with the emotions that they signify, and through labelling them, toddlers can take control over them and regulate their emotions and emotional impulses. The ability to recognize emotions in the self helps children recognize emotions in others. Svetlova, Nichols, and Brownell (2010) found that 18-month old children were significantly less likely to help an adult in need without substantive communication from the adult than 2-year old children. This suggests that between 18 and 24 months, children develop a greater capacity for understanding others’ emotions—for empathy. Without a strong understanding of her own emotions, let alone the emotions of others, a toddler is not capable of sharing.
Because toddlers are not capable of sharing—they are still developing the emotional, social, and cognitive capacities they will eventually need in order to share—adults and caregivers should not expect toddlers to share. Toddlerhood is a critical time to develop a strong sense of self—to internalize feelings of importance and worth. When toddlers are expected or forced to share before they have the capability to do so, they will be pushed beyond their emotional, social, and cognitive capacities, making them feel insufficient because they likely will not succeed. In this failure, toddlers lose a critical opportunity to learn that they are worthy of having their needs—for food, for toys, for attention—fulfilled. In order to elaborate on this point, I will return to the case in which toddlers do not develop a strong sense of self.
A toddler may not develop a strong sense of self for a myriad of reasons, including an insecure attachment relationship or a conflicting temperament from her primary caregiver. In both of these cases, toddlers will not receive the constant and reliable support they need to develop a strong sense of self. Without a strong sense of self, there is a higher likelihood of later emotional disorders arising from an inability to relate to others. According to Sroufe (1996), a lack of responsive care from a caregiver could lead to chronic anxiety or anger. A strong sense of self is important for toddlers to later develop independence, self-worth, healthy relationships with others, effective problem-solving skills, emotion regulation, and empathy. Sroufe (1996) explain that toddlers with insecure or anxious attachment relationships often struggle navigating the emotional challenges of relationships with peers. This may be because toddlers with insecure attachments have not received support from caregivers to first comprehend their own emotional struggles. In addition to the issues that arise in the non-normative cases, when toddlers are expected to share, they lose much of the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self. Asking toddlers to go beyond their emotional, social, and cognitive capacity by assuming they already have a strong sense of self even if they are still developing it, and by assuming they can understand others’ wants, needs, and emotions when they are still learning to understand their own, diminishes their sense of self as they learn they are neither worthy nor capable of being cared for.
Although toddlers may not be capable of sharing, they gain the emotional, social, and cognitive capacity to do so, primarily through interactions with caregivers and peers, as they approach three to four years of age. As previously mentioned, in order to share, children must have a sense of self and other, a symbolic capacity for language, and an understanding not only of their emotional states, but of others’ as well. Each of these arises with experience and guidance from a responsive caregiver. Play is a vital component in the development of children’s symbolic capacity as children engage in social communication, first nonverbally and later through language (Klein, Wirth, & Linas, 2003). Initially, caregivers might guide children’s play through asking non-leading questions or following a child’s lead when directed to do so by the child. Eventually, however, adults might step back as children begin to have more interactions with peers. The use of language as communication that takes place in these interactions lays the groundwork for turn-taking, reciprocity in social interactions, and accommodating others in play (Klein, Wirth, & Linas, 2003). According to Howes, Unger, and Matheson (1992), although cooperative play—social, scripted, pretend play—begins to emerge in some toddlers by 23 to 28 months, it appears almost universally in children age 29 to 38 months, or about 3 years old. This corroborates with the notion that children develop a stronger capacity for language and a deeper understanding of other and peer relationships as they get older.
Play and language development provide opportunities for children to explore, express, and comprehend their own emotions as well as others’. Through fantasy, children recreate and combat their emotions and anxieties to achieve a sense of mastery over them (Klein, Wirth, & Linas, 2003). As children become familiar with their own emotions, it likely becomes easier for them to relate to others’ emotions as well. Howes, Unger, and Matheson (1992) conclude that toddlers’ interactions with peers through play help them understand their peers’ needs. These facets of development—the sense of self and other, symbolic capacity, and emotional development—lead to the formation of prosocial behavior. Prosocial behavior, or behavior that serves the best interests of others’, is one early form of sharing. In their study on prosocial behavior in toddlers, Svetlova, Nichols, and Brownell (2010) found that children 30 months old helped others more frequently than 18-month-old children. Because sharing emerges as one type of prosocial behavior, it makes sense that young toddlers would not have the same capacity to share that older children do. Through supportive interactions with peers and caregivers, children gain the emotional, social, and cognitive capacities to share.
Although young toddlers do not share, the capacity to share eventually emerges later in development. Critical to early development, toddlers need a supportive environment and responsive caregiver to create space and guide experiences for toddlers to develop a strong sense of self. Once toddlers gain confidence that they are worthy, they then can begin to think of others’ needs. An ability to produce language and connect language—the symbol—to an object or emotion guides toddlers to better comprehend themselves and others. Imaginative play creates space for children to express and overcome emotions and experiences that create anxiety within them. This allows them to move past their own needs and feelings and acknowledge those of others. With this capacity, toddlers can begin to empathize with others and act pro-socially towards them, the first signs of sharing. Because sharing depends on a series of emotional, social, and cognitive developmental stages, children should not be urged to share before they are ready to do so. Sharing will come when children have a strong sense of self, secure attachment relationships, symbolic capacity, and emotional understanding. While it may feel easy for a caregiver to tell a toddler to “just share,” sharing in fact is an extremely complex concept which depends on several preliminary stages of development, so it is important for caregivers to serve as supportive guides to toddlers on their path to sharing.
References
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Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Fraiberg, S. (1959). In Brobdingnag. The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood, p. 107-145. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons.
Howes, C. & Spieker, S. (2008). Attachment relationships in the context of multiple caregivers. J. Cassidy & P. Shaver (Eds.), (2008). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research and clinical applications. NY: Guildford Press.
Klein, T. P., Wirth, D., & Linas, K. (2003). Play: Children’s context for development. Young Children, 58(3), p. 28-34.
Kobak, R., Zajac, K., & Madsen, S. D. (2018) Attachment disruptions, reparative processes, and psychopathology: Theoretical and clinical explanations. In W. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), p. 25-36. New York: Guildford Press.
Piaget, J. (1950), The growth of thought. In W. Kessen (Ed.), The Child, p. 274-282. New York: Wiley.
Sroufe, L. (1996). The growth of self-regulation. In Emotional Development: The Organization of Emotional Life in the Early Years, p. 214-234. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Svetlova, M., Nichols, S. R., and Brownell, C. A. (2010). Toddler’s prosocial behavior: From instrumental to empathic to altruistic helping. Child Development, 81(6), p. 1814-1827.
Obi Taswell 